Got something you’d like to fix? We’re not talking about that annoying drip under the sink or the light that’s on the blink again. We’re talking about a face and body overhaul. Beyond the moisturiser that you slap on your face or the paste shove in your hair is a world of high-tech grooming procedures that can transform, restore and actually improve what god gave you.
Face lifts, dodgy hair plugs and mysterious trips to Swiss clinics are old news. Today, there’s all manner of “tweakments” that offer maximum results with minimal interference (and pain) that can be done during a lunch break, as locally as your nearest high street. We always recommend that you shop around for the best results (not the cheapest price), and any procedure shouldn’t be undertaken lightly or without professional consultation.
So, if you’ve got a few pounds left to shed, want to rewind the clock on some wrinkles or permanently deforest the silverback gorilla thatch, here’s Ape’s guide to some of the most popular treatments available on the market.
Cryolipolysis – also known as “Cool Sculpting” or “fat freezing” – is a non-invasive therapy that freezes fat cells. These then crystallise and die, leaving your body to process and eliminate them the natural way. Sessions are short and the skin is left feeling red and numb temporarily. It requires no downtime and you can continue remote working while having it done so it won’t interrupt your workflow. It’s not just for love handles, either – it can be very effective at removing any excess you’re carrying under your chin.
Who is it good for: people who’ve recently lost weight and have a stubborn areas to shift
How much is it and where can I get it: prices from £700, pulselightclinic.co.uk
Prescribed for fine lines, blemishes, breakouts and pigmentation issues, microdermabrasion uses fine crystals to polish away dead skin cell, revealing a new, fresher skin underneath. It’s painless, even if it sounds harsh, and delivers visible results. Skin feels softer and smoother and looks clearer after treatment.
Who is it good for: anyone who wants a more youthful visage, including those with sensitive skin
How much is it and where can I get it: £68 per session, skinsmiths.com
This non-surgical treatment involves small injections of a cocktail of vitamins and antioxidants into the mesoderm to stimulate the skin cells using a Mesotherapy “gun”. The formula in the injection will vary depending on the client’s requirements but it can also include hyaluronic acid and amino acids. It promises immediate results of firmer, healthier looking skin and fills out the areas where volume is lost over time.
Who’s it for: budding Dorian Greys who want to pause time like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise
How much is it and where can I get it: mesotherapy is available nationally (search via treatwell.co.uk). One of the most sought-after appointments is with Dr Frances Prenna Jones who is renowned for her famous intense mesotherapy method. Located in Mayfair, London, expect to pay north of £300, drfrancesprennajones.com
Semi-permanent relaxing treatments come in various guises including keratin and Brazilian blow dry and L’Oréal X-tenso. For anyone who struggles with the natural texture of the hair, these treatments can be both game-changing and time-saving. Keratin and Brazilian treatments work by sealing the hair shaft and setting it straight, meaning less frizz and volume if your hair is very thick. X-tenso works in a similar way, but makes curls straighter. Both ensure hair is more impervious to humidity, faster to heat style and more likely to behave itself.
Who is it for: un-dyed, natural heads of hair; anyone with coarse, dense curls or an overload of frizz; for long, mid and short hair
How much is it and where can I get it: these treatments typically range from £150-250 and last 3-4 months. Find your nearest salon via treatwell.co.uk
Laser Hair Removal
Unlike IPL, which uses a light spectrum delivered in pulses, laser works in a continuous beam to zap the hair at the follicle and can treat anywhere on the body where unwanted tufts grow – including more intimate areas.
The best thing is saying goodbye to as much as 90% of hair that’s treated – and all the irritation: ingrown hairs, razor rash, stubble and itchy regrowth. Start living your best hair-free life.
Who’s it for: unlike IPL, which works better on a combination of fair skin and dark hair, laser can be adjusted to suit dark skin tones
How much is it and where can I get it: prices vary on the size of the area. As a guide, expect to pay up to £300 per session (eight sessions is standard), sknclinics.co.uk
PicoWay Resolve Laser
Laser has many uses besides hair removal and can renew the complexion more deeply than other means. It’s able to clear acne and associated scarring, as well as treat pigmentation, age spots and sun damage. So if you’ve still got the scars from a spotty teenage past or you’re paying the price for unchecked sun worship, there’s a way back to an even skin tone.
Who’s it for: all skin types, anyone wanting to turn back the clock
How much is it and where can I get it: £450 for face and neck, pulselightclinic.co.uk
A skin rejuvenation treatment that stimulates collagen production, Profhilo has the advantage over other forms in that it that can rebuild sagging areas like the jawline, neck and cheeks where the skin is delicate and fillers are hard to distribute. Injections of hyaluronic acid over two sessions stimulate the collagen receptors in the skin to increase production. It’s known to hurt a bit more than botox, but the injection sites are invisible afterwards. Best of all, it will leave you looking well-rested and, give or take, five years younger.
Like all good things, it doesn’t last. Expect two or three sessions per year to maintain that Peter Pan likeness.
Who is it for: those who feel their lifestyle might be catching up with their face
How much is it and where can I get it: £850 for two sessions, four weeks apart, medicetics.com
Non-Surgical Nose Job
Minor imperfections don’t require drastic solutions. With a non-surgical nose job dermal fillers (hyaluronic acid again) are used to straighten lines and smooth out bumps and lumps – useful for fixing contact sport injuries. With local anaesthetic and minimal redness or swelling, you won’t have to pretend you fell off your bike, and got up with a more pleasing nose.
It’s not permanent – but effects can last for up to 18 months.
Who’s it for: nasal reconstruction without resorting to cosmetic surgery
How much is it and where can I get it: from £650, eshoclinic.co.uk